EPS 38 - Breaking Up is Expensive: Money, Heartache, and Moving On

Jerry talks about a personal struggle with ending a relationship and the financial outcomes that can happen.

Transcript

UNKNOWN: 0:03

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00: 0:47

I'm your host, Jerry Williams, and happy Pride, everybody. whole, you know, 30 days of things to do. So hopefully you get out there and enjoy yourself. If nothing else, hey, wear your pride on your sleeve, right? Get a t-shirt or something else and just go about and have some fun. Anyway, you know, what I was thinking about recently was a couple that I'm familiar with are going through a divorce and You know, that always sucks, right? Nobody really wants to go through a breakup because it's very difficult. And it's not only emotionally challenging, but it's financially challenging as well. And it had me thinking about, you know, a circumstance that I went through years ago. And this is prior to me, you know, meeting my husband and getting married. So, you know, I was in a long-term relationship. Long-term to me, it was seven years. So, nevertheless... We went through like a six week adjustment period, if that's what you want to call it, where we were together and then we weren't together. And this is before I moved out. And so that six week transition was really, really stressful. And it was stressful for a lot of different reasons, not only emotionally, like I said, but, you know, financially as well. And what happened was, you know, we were both really involved in the community and we were very public and I took a step back. for a lot of different reasons, but I won't go into right now. But so as I step back, I simultaneously had to step up in terms of I had received a promotion at work. And so I was a lot busier and I had a lot more things to do. And I had to give that really 100% of my attention outside of my home life. So that's what I did. And it created some turmoil in our relationship from the standpoint of I ended up paying all the bills and so because we had a roommate I split everything three ways the rent utilities everything I mean even down to if I ordered a pizza and we would split it three ways because I wasn't so petty as let's say putting labels on milk in the fridge or anything like that I didn't do that but you know because I just if I went grocery shopping I bought for everybody and we all ate And we ate a little lot, didn't matter. We all ate. And so I just split it three ways. And one of the other things that I did was I was paying all the other bills, like the credit card bills. And at the time, he had his American Express coming in, and I would pay it, as you do. You pay it off full every month. And American Express would detail not only what store you went to and how much you spent at the store, but it also detailed what you spent your money on. So I was able to see that he was spending his money about every other day or every two, three days on like a fifth of bourbon, whiskey, what have you, and a six pack. And That was surprising to me because not only was he drinking out in all the bars, of course, which is expensive in and of itself, you know, when you're buying shots for people and all that stuff. But, you know, then on top of that, you're going to the liquor store and you're drinking even more. So whatever, you know, what I ended up doing was tallying every month, you know, this is how much you owe me. This is how much you need to reimburse me because I would pay everything and then just get reimbursed. So. What was surprising to him was how much he had spent. And so when he was faced with, you know, the black and white truth of how much he had spent, he would get angry. Well, you didn't leave me with any money. I'm like, I didn't leave you with any money. This is all your own spending has nothing to do with me. You know, of course, when we were together, we spent a lot differently, right? Because you got two incomes coming in. But when we separated things that ended, so he was on his own, I was on my own. And I didn't worry about him in terms of, you know, my money is my money, your money is your money, at least that's how we did it. And So in that respect, he was faced with his own out-of-control spending. So he didn't really track his expenses because he wasn't really used to doing it. And again, he was really surprised that this is what it ended up looking like. So during that six weeks, it was a very difficult time because not only was I getting blasted emotionally, because he started dating on top of this during this time, which I... I didn't think it was, you know, whatever. Do your own thing, but it didn't matter. Anyway, because we were under the same roof, you know, I had to hear and see everything, things I never wanted to hear, things I never wanted to see. But that just came with the territory. But again, you know, when it comes down to money, you know, I... detailed everything that he was spending his money on. Not like, you went to the liquor store and you spent your money on da-da-da-da. And I didn't do that. I just said, here, here's how much you owe on your American Express. I paid it, you owe me. And so he already knew what he spent his money on, whether he really, again, wanted to face the facts or not, but here nor there. So the point I'm really trying to make is that it became a very difficult situation for him because he wasn't tracking his money. And because I was also making more money than him, he was also resentful because he felt like he was better educated and should have been making more money, but he was in social work. And we all know social work doesn't pay. You know, at least it didn't. Maybe it does today, but it didn't pay much back then, and I doubt that it really pays a whole lot now anyway. Still, but it doesn't matter. He just was angry about a lot of different things, and I think he was more angry at himself that he chose these– things instead of making more you know better financial decisions but those were his choices so it was a good learning experience for me because I realized that you know my behaviors ended up benefiting me and his were more destructive to him and so the point I'm really trying to make is when you're getting into a relationship especially when you're coming out of a relationship you really want to develop good habits and you really want a bring each other on board and talk about the things that are important to you set common financial goals like hey we need to build up at least a six months worth of an emergency fund we want to keep our credit cards to the bare bones minimum and you know we're going to say for this trip whatever whatever whatever are your goals but if you have these common goals then you guys can work together and even if you're the one let's say is the more responsible one and you're you know you don't mind paying all the bills and doing all that okay have about it. But again, as long as you are together, collectively together, then I think it'll work out better for you in the long run. And then in the same sense that when you break up, you are responsible for your own financial situation. And if you've been careful all along, then that's only going to benefit you. You're going to come out of that relationship, a whole person, financially, hopefully emotionally, and you just carry on, do your own thing. And if you aren't the opposite, then you just are going to have to face the consequences and you're on your own. If you're struggling, if you are that one who didn't handle things and you're finding it challenging to save, track your spending, pay off your credit cards, whatever it is, there's so many different resources out there. So you definitely want to Get a hold of whatever the situation is you're facing and get some expert advice, guidance, work with somebody or some device to help you do the right thing and handle your money the right way. Otherwise, again, you're going to be caught on this merry-go-round and it's not going to stop. That's just a piece of advice. I feel like I'm lecturing. I'm really not trying to lecture. I'm just trying to give you a personal point of view and weigh things that happened to me, which, again, were, I'm not sure if I'd say life-changing, but it was eye-opening at least. And so I think that that's the lesson that it taught me. Hopefully you can learn from that and, again, just make better choices than he did. Anyway, I appreciate the fact that you're listening. I hope you're getting something from this. And if you're a gay person, queer, transgender, what have you, I think that you're amazing just the way you are, quite frankly. I think, you know, queer people, if you like that term, I prefer gay, but not everybody falls into that umbrella. But that's a generational difference. But anyway, I think that... We're amazing and we were made just the way we're supposed to be. And without us, the world would be a very, very boring place. And even if you're going through the change, let's say you're, you're, you know, art and you want to be April or you're Samantha and you want to be, you know, Stu, Sam, whatever, you know, it doesn't matter what the change is. It's the fact that you are you, and you being the core you is really what is significant and amazing, and you are an amazing person. So I appreciate the fact that you're listening to this. I hope you gained something from it. If you're on the straight side and you're listening, then I would assume that you're an ally, and I want to thank you as well. Thank you for being an ally, and thank you for listening to this podcast. Hopefully, again, you're getting something from it. You know, and speaking of... Straight things. This is kind of off topic too, but it's really something weird that I saw. I didn't even know that there's such a thing as a straight pride flag. Right? I mean, you can look it up. It's like pink and blue and it has the, you know, the symbol for man and woman and they're linked in the middle. I just think that's weird. I do think it's weird and kind of ridiculous. From the standpoint of... When have straight people been discriminated against from being straight, for being straight? I mean, when did they have to come out? And why would they need to come out to be straight? You're just assumed to be straight, most people are, right? It's the default. And so you don't need to come out and say, hey, I'm straight, by the way. I mean, that doesn't come out. You know, mom and dad, you're not going to kick me out of the house if I'm straight, right? That's just not going to happen. You might get kicked out for other things, but probably not that. And I just find it really odd that they would need to come up with something like that. I mean, the reason that there's gay pride, right, because we have been discriminated against, not only in the past, but still today. Look at what's happening to transgender people. I mean, they can't even serve in the military. It's completely ridiculous. But the strangeness about it is relating to the fact that We are who we are. We're proud of who we are. You should be able to be up front about who you are and be your true, authentic self. Sometimes it's scary. Sometimes you have to be careful, right? I mean, plenty of people, myself included, you know, we've been involved in some, you know, very scary situations where even my husband got gay bashed right in front of me. And it was at a Whataburger of all places. So, anyway, another story for another day. But... The whole point is this is a month of pride. Display your pride. Be proud. Because you're an amazing person. And I appreciate the fact that, again, you're here. Hopefully you're getting something out of this. And if nothing else, just enjoy the rest of your day. And I will talk to you next time.